I think the questions I asked in my twenties and the answers I gave to myself are the reason I’m here today, not knowing how to say no to women. I had my first girlfriend when I was a teenager–sixteen or seventeen. I didn’t know what to do with her because I had no room of my own and had no money to do anything for her or with her. One day, Josh lend me his room and I had my first sex. Not long afterwards, Josh told me there was a girl in his neighbourhood who liked me so much. Her name was Rachel. When Rachel and I became a thing, it was Josh who lend me his room anytime we needed privacy.
Josh felt women loved me and he made a trade out of it. He was older than I was but we were in the same class. Once he told me, “The way girls love you, if any woman misbehaves toward me, I’ll give you her name so you knack her for me.” It sounded funny but we were boys created to have fun so we went along with it. It was easy. Any woman I approached, I had her.
“If it’s this easy to get women, then why do men stick to just one?” I asked myself.
I didn’t need to answer the question. The answer found itself into my mind so when I went to SHS, I went after women. I got a lot and a lot said no to me. At the University, I pursued women more than I pursued the course I was studying. I met a pastor’s daughter. I looked through my archives and realized I had never dated a pastor’s daughter before so I made it a point to pursue her. She knew me too well to give me a chance.
“I like you,” she said. “But I can never give you a chance in my life because of what I know about you.”
“If you give me a chance, I will change who I am for you. Take it as a soul you’re winning for Christ,” I responded.
I did all I could but I never had her. There are some you win with ease. There are others you struggle to win them. There are those you’ll never win no matter what. You get to learn this lesson as you move along and it gives you peace when you lose.
I was twenty-eight when I met Erica. At twenty-eight, I told myself I was going to be serious with my life. “I will find a woman to settle with and then build the rest of my life around her,” I told myself.
Erica looked like that woman but as time went on, she became like the woman I may never win but because of what I saw in her, I never stopped going after her. Just when I thought I was making a mark and gaining traction with her, she was transferred to another town. The distance was supposed to kill the feeling I had for her but I bent the distance in my favour. I visited her often on weekends. I went with gifts and with humour. When I learned about something new she liked, I bought it and gifted it to her. With time, her ground shifted and she said yes to me. The only woman I chased for more than a year and she was worth the squeeze though it took so long before the juice dropped.
I should have been a good man to her but no. I blamed it on the women who came my way.
“If they will stop saying yes to me, I would be a better man but they won’t.”
Even though I had the woman I’d always wanted, I still went around chasing other women. The craziest thing I did was when I got Esi in my bed. Esi was a very good friend of Erica. I got to know her through Erica. She had a serious boyfriend that they were planning to get married but I don’t know what changed. This lady got closer to me and I started seeing signs of receptiveness.
“Go after her and she will accept,” I prepped myself.
One day, I subtly did ask her out and she said yes. We hit it on the side for about six months until she finally got married to her serious boyfriend. Erica never suspected us because of our individual situations. Erica was the maid of honour for her wedding and I was there as a well-wisher. If secrets could burst when you need them to come out, a lot of weddings won’t happen. The wedding was all smiles but there were people like me and Esi, walking around with big secrets.
Two years after being together, Erica wanted something serious and I agreed with her. She wanted marriage and I wanted her to be my wife too so we started making plans. I had no doubt about her but I had doubts about myself and the standard of my fidelity. I’m not a proud man. At thirty-one there should be a clear vision in my heart when it comes to relationships but I can’t seem to remain faithful. When we finally settled on the date for knocking, I promised myself never to cheat again until the knocking but I couldn’t.
A day before the knocking, I found myself dressing up in another woman’s room. Shuperu had gone down and I was dressing up to go out into the world to pretend that nothing had happened. My conscience descended on me.
“You’re not worthy of anything looking at the way you live your life,” my conscience told me.
“But I use protection, isn’t it better than nothing at all?” I defended myself in front of my own conscience.
I thought I needed prayers. Right after the knocking rite, I fasted for three days and asked for God’s hand in my life. At that point, I knew it was only God who could rescue me. It felt like a curse on my life–that curse Cain was made to carry on his forehead after he killed his brother. I prayed vehemently for two days but guess what, on the third day, it was a woman who made me break my fast prematurely. She was an ex who came to visit because she was in town. The old embers beneath the ashes started burning. By the time we realized, the old flames were up and blazing.
I could see God looking at me with a smirk on his face. “This my creation will die early because of what’s in his trousers.”
I don’t want to rush into marriage and cheat on Erica. She doesn’t deserve such disrespect. I’ve gone low but cheating with a ring on is the lowest I don’t want to go. I’ve been praying. I’m seeing a therapist too. I’m sowing seeds for God to take it all away–this blemish on my skin I can’t seem to wash away.
It’s been four months since the knocking rite. I’ve told myself that until I go two consecutive months without cheating, I won’t marry. The day I hit the two months milestone, I’ll tell Erica that everything is ready for marriage. So far, it hasn’t been possible. Currently, I’ve gone three weeks without cheating. It means a lot to me. Because I want it to work this time, I went to see a therapist. I think his methods are working. The fact that I can share this story without the fear of being bashed is another step in my recovery.
Erica lives in another town and she’s not aware of these silent battles. It also makes it easier, the fact that she’s not here but then again, it also makes it easier for me to cheat on her so we had a discussion that she’ll move in immediately after we get married. She has accepted it and had started seeking a transfer. What won’t she do for love? Yet I’m here eating bananas even a monkey won’t eat.
This is my problem and I hope someone will suggest something to make it easy for me to change my ways. I’ll appreciate it greatly and come here and thank the person if everything goes the way it’s supposed to go. If you don’t have anything to say too, that’s alright. Pray for me. I’m only a month and a week away from achieving my goal but that’s not the end in itself. The better end for me will be to marry without looking at another lady and I know it’s possible.