I’ve Asked God To Set Me Free From This Stupidity But I Doubt If He Listens

I swear I was so sure that I had met my soul mate. Why wouldn’t I want to spend the rest of my life with him? He was so gentle with me. You would think if he was a little rough with me I would break. He would cuddle me at night. This was something he confessed he never did before he met me. He said, “There is something so addictive about you. I feel incomplete when I am not holding you in my arms.” Even when I am asleep and he is ready to go to work, he would get into the bed and cuddle me until it’s a few minutes left to his reporting time.

I remember how I would think about the way we met and smile. It wasn’t anything dramatic. He had moved into the house I was living in but we hadn’t met. One day I was home when he came knocking on my door, “Hello, I am Boresa. I moved in here recently but I haven’t received my gate key yet. Now I want to go out but the gate is locked. Can I borrow yours?” I nodded and gave it to him. When he returned the key he said, “Sorry, I didn’t get your name.” I smiled, “I am Bona.” He said it was a beautiful name and then walked away.

I kept smiling at the memory of him through the day and the days that followed. I felt an intense connection to him that I couldn’t shake off. But I also didn’t seek him out. I didn’t see him around or hear from him either. Two months after our first encounter, he came knocking on my door. He didn’t come looking for a key this time. He wanted me to have dinner with him at his place. He was happy when I accepted the invitation.

It turned out that the strong connection I felt toward him was mutual. We had deep conversations that carried us into the night. Honestly, I did not want to part with his company. He also did not want me to leave. He made it seem like I lived so far away although I was only a few apartments away from him. I didn’t leave when I wanted to. We got carried away and ended up having a blissful night together.

Our connection got deeper after that. It was nothing like I had ever experienced. Everything was so great between us that I often wondered what would have happened if he didn’t come to me looking for the gate key. Would I have missed out on such an amazing man or would fate have found a way to bring us close? We were good, or so I thought. Then he started pulling away from me all of a sudden.

One moment I was feeling on top of the world and the next moment there was absolutely nothing. For one week, I begged him to tell me what was going on. He didn’t want to at first but I kept pushing until he told me, “I feel like I am hurting other people by being with you.” I asked him, “Do you want me to give you space to figure things out?” He said yes, so I walked away from him. I was very hurt but there wasn’t much I could do.

The next day he sent me a text, “I miss you.” The moment I saw the text I went running to him. Things became good after that. They were even better than before. He made me feel he would be cut off from his oxygen supply if he should lose me. Then a ghost from his past reared its head. This one was a girlfriend he had before me. I was at work when he called that he wanted to come and see me so we talk. I became concerned all of a sudden. I am a nurse, so what was so important that he had to come and tell me at the hospital?

He wanted to know my off days. I asked him, “Why do you need to know my work schedule.” That was when he told me about his other girlfriend. He wanted to arrange her visits so that they wouldn’t clash with when I would be at home. “I haven’t broken up with her, and I want to keep seeing you until I sort my emotions out. While I do this, I don’t you two clashing and causing a scene.” I have never been one for drama so I told him to go ahead and bring her to his place.

The day he brought her to the house was one of the longest nights of my life. I couldn’t stay in the house so I left for my friend’s place. The next evening he texted me and told me it would never happen again. He said he broke up with her finally. I forgave him. And we were good for a while until his past came up again. This one was an ex-girlfriend he kept having an on-and-off thing with. She used to threaten to bewitch him. He said that was why he kept taking her back. However, I saw their chat on his phone, and they were professing their love for each other.

So I wrote him a note the next morning telling him that if he loved someone else he should just be open with me about it and let me go. He explained to me that what he felt for her was nothing compared to what he felt for me. He said he was only doing that so she wouldn’t bewitch. He even sent me screenshots of chats between them. She truly was threatening to destroy his life if he leaves her. I believed him.

Then along the line, he confessed to me that he still loves her. She was or still is his first love. I did not understand how he could still love her despite the threats and utter disrespect she had for him. But then I understood him. I was also still in love with him even though I knew he could never belong to me. He had too many women in his life to be just mine. So I walked away from the relationship and encouraged him to work things out with her.

He wouldn’t let me be. He came back to me as if we didn’t break up, and although I knew it was wrong I allowed him back. I asked

him why he was still with me and he told me it is because we have an intense connection. I’d lie to myself that I’m moving on but something small would happen and take me back to him. I’ve cried to God to redeem me of my stupidity but I don’t know if He’s listening. I’ve prayed to be free of these emotions that blind my reasoning. If someone told me that taking a certain herb would erase all the feelings I have for him, I’d take it without thinking twice. How do people move on from situations like this? I have tried to move on but my will to leave for good is faint.

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